fe·ral - adjective: in a wild state, especially after escape from captivity or domestication. slut - noun: a person who has many casual sexual partners.
“Girls just can’t keep up, I’m a real love machine. I’ve had far better sex while in jail. I’ve designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour. I cook the world’s best duck flambé. I’ll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me. I don’t need these lines to get laid.” – Dropkick Murphys
One of my favorite authors once said “to be a good writer, you have to read a lot & you have to write a lot”. My dude was not wrong. And in the last year or so as my life became a series of insane and inane events, I’ve become a terrible writer when it comes to the top two things you’re supposed to do to even be considered one. But when your weekly activities can range from playing voyeur at a porn shoot to a bingo game serenaded by the muffled moans of hot tub shenanigans taking place directly outside on the patio, I guess it’s sorta understandable to slack on writing about it for awhile.
In the last 12 months, once again, my life has completely changed shape. We went from quietly discussing perv plans amongst ourselves to being welcomed into a giant community of like-minded people from damn near every walk of life. Life may be a shit show sometimes, but it’s never boring.
If you’ve read anything before this entry then you know I don’t shy away from talking about the bad side of crossing the cultural lines & making your life whatever the fuck you want it to be. This is the human race we’re dealing with, there’s always downsides. I’d hate to write about all this stuff in a way that would make you guys think otherwise. You guys deserve better than that.
One of those downsides can be desensitization. When your usual Saturday consists of a couple threesomes, a strange pussy in your mouth & a grateful, happy spouse cheering you on and a blur of substances, some of questionable legality, you can have a tendency to take it all for granted. Human beings can get used to anything, whether they want to or not.
I found out on this particular weekend that boredom often breeds its own fun when it can’t find anyone elses to dive into.
With my ass parked in the same spot it’s been in the months since the cold weather of the midwest pushed me from the smoking area I’d accidentally come to dominate over the summer, I scanned the room while talking to my friend Han about how his week had been.
“There’s a ton of new people here tonight, you should go introduce yourself to some of them! Come on, ambassador.”
I snapped my head back to Han and cocked an eyebrow at the new title he’d given me.
“I’d rather be the mascot. Ambassador seems like it would hold a lot of responsibility.”
He pointed out a couple awkwardly sitting at the table directly next to us & my eyes drifted behind them to the big, Chewbacca lookin’ guy pushed up as tightly as he could manage to a wall in between The Island of Misfit Perverts & the bar. I’m a sucker for someone who is clearly out of their depth and needs a friendly face. They usually have the best stories in them, one way or another.
“Fine.” I thought to myself as the first two beers I’d just inhaled hit my system. “If I’m an ambassador, I’m gonna be the bitchin’-est ambassador that ever ambassed, mother fucker.”
I looked back over to Chewie, we locked eyes & I gave him my best “I swear I don’t bite” smile. He gave me the world’s weakest wave and made his way over to our table. I asked if he was new & he nodded his head.
“Well, take a seat, my dude. Only way to get used to anything is to start doing it.”
We made small talk about any number of weird topics that came up at our table and I did my best to get him acclimated before I got bored and wandered off to see what other chances for chaos the club was bringing tonight.
I stumbled outside, to take a peek at my phone and have a smoke break away from the loud, bedlam-like atmosphere that the club tends to develope between the hours of 10 PM & 1 AM every Saturday. I saw a clump of friends & sat down to join their conversation like I usually do, only to spot another person, looking just as new & awkward as Chewie did. Tall & weirdly innocent looking. Like a lamb in a den of very drunk wolves waiting to be devoured. Like Lurch from The Addam’s Family if he was a redneck.
“Okay, Ambassador, it’s you’re time to shine.” I thought as I introduced myself. He stood there nervously as he told me his name & confirmed it was indeed his first (and likely only) night at the club.
Out of towners, my fuckin’ favorite.
More small talk floated around as I dipped between the conversation I’d struck up with ole Lurch & the group of friends. Trying my best to be nice (and honestly see what chaos I could create) I told him he was welcome to join our table if he wanted to & went back to chatting with my friends who were already sitting, sucking down smoke just as fast as I was.
I snubbed my cigarette and made my way back inside to see Chewie still sat at our table, making his best attempts to socialize like I’d suggested he do before I escaped to the patio. “Good.” I thought to myself as I made my way through the ever growing mass of bodies in between me & the table. “If he’s already making this much effort in the short time he’s been swallowed up by the environment, he’ll make a fantastic regular if he decides to stick it out.”
Soon after Lurch materialized at our table & I welcomed him to pull up a seat (or stand around…we’re limited on ass sitting room most of the night). He did & joined in on the conversation while the hour grew later.
As the conversation at the table took twists & turns down perverted paths, my silly slut of a self decided to bring up my most recent fuck friend. A short, but eager to fuck & please human being with a baseball bat between his legs.
Yes, I tell my slut stories IRL too. Are you really that surprised?
After demonstrating with my hands “big fish story” style what I had the pleasure of enjoying earlier in the week, I hear Lurch pipe up from my left and utter the words “My dick’s huge too!” with a sly smile spread across his face.
Before I even had a chance to react (and may the slutty powers that be forever bless him for antics like this) Han, who was sat between & Lurch, shouts back “Then whip it out. Come on, this is a sex club after all.” I could feel the chaos gremlin inside my mind rattle the bars and then let out a cackling howl as Lurch boldly unbuckled his pants and revealed a very scared looking button on a fur coat.
The reaction around the table was a collective cringe from the male population & stifled laughter hidden behind disbelief from the ladies.
Up to this point, I’d been going back and forth mentally on who to play with that night. It seemed like I had a fair chance with either Lurch or Chewie. But only one was making an ass of himself & likely to never return.
A gift from the universe for a bored feral slut.
Don’t get me wrong, Lurch wasn’t necessarily a bad person. He’d spent the night bragging about his family’s trips to some far away land rich fucks took over as a vacation spot & lamenting about his personal woes. But the level of cocky he’d been giving off was enough to make a chaos gremlin want to take him for a spin & see if his mouth could keep up with his dick.
I let Joe in on my little plan for the evenings entertainment & then went to find Lurch.
In hopes that he was a grower, I got his attention & asked if he wanted to go into the dungeon for a bit of playtime. He eagerly nodded yes and I’m sure a smile akin to the Grinch hatching his dastardly plan spread across my face as I took his hand and led the way. I made sure Joe was following and we climbed down the stairs with two very different outcomes in mind.
Joe stood back as I surveyed the landscape & tried to figure out the best place to fuck. My friends Dad Joke George, Spinner & Eris were already all piled into a beautiful, loud clump of flesh. I smiled to myself as I spotted the spanking benches and started to drag Lurch towards them while telling him to grab a condom from the container on the shelf.
I got down on my knees to find his dick already out & staring up at me with a limp, anxious stance. I popped it into my warm mouth & started playing around with it, using my tongue to stroke from the root to the head as I bobbed back and forth. It got a bit bigger & I popped it out of my mouth to examine my handy work. After getting a decent look at it face-to-dick, I figured it’s current state was as good as we were gonna get. Might as well try to end the evening with a bang in every sense of the word.
I instructed him to slap on the condom as I crawled up on the spanking bench and leaned back, lifting up my robe to expose my pussy who was less than enthused by the chaos gremlin who was now in charge of steering the ship. He fumbled around with his cock as I tried to cheer him on and reassure him “it happens to the best of us” as he managed to find my slit & shove his half hard in.
He continued to hump me half-assedly for 2 or 3 minutes before I realized, besides my bored moans the room had gone dead silent. The gorgeous giggles & sounds of fucking we’d walked in on had stopped & been replaced with the awkward sounds of me trying to save this guy’s ego.
I laid back on the bench as I felt him pull out and start to go down, hoping his attempts to eat me out were better than his dick game when suddenly there was a dick on my forehead. I laughed & looked up to find DJG with his long dong flopped on top of me.
“You’re looking a bit bored there, Fonda. Wanna suck my dick? Might be a bit more fun.”
While I had been getting fumble-fucked, Joe had taken it upon himself to point out how quickly my moans had grown bored to our friend’s who were taking a break from their own shenanigans. Which had caused DJG to wander over to where Lurch & I were struggling to make something happen that resembled fucking and cause a little chaos of his own.
The death rattle of Lurch’s ego crashed through the room as I wiggled out from under him while trying not to laugh & started suck Spinner’s cum off DJG’s semi-hard dick. I realized my rudeness (a bit too late) & audibly popped the new cock of my mouth to turn & apologize to the old one cringing between my legs.
“I think we’re good here, babe. I’m good. Sorry about your luck.”
Before he could respond, my sexual ADHD kicked in as I hopped off the bench & found Spinner strapped into the sex swing directly across the room, legs splayed & pussy looking delightful. In fact, in that moment I realized it looked like it could use some warming up, so I politely asked if she was okay if I muff dove for a bit. By the time I came back up for air, only the people I actually liked were left in the room. Lurch must have slunk up the stairs & out the front door after he picked up all the pieces of his shattered cockiness.
The next morning I woke up & did the usual post-Slut Sabbath discussion Joe & I have every weekend.
“I invented a new game last night after I watched you with Lurch.”
“Oh?” I looked at him surprised by his enthusiasm for me letting men make fools of themselves for a private audience.
“Yeah. I call it The Bored Game. On slow nights when you want to fuck someone new, we take turns picking a person at random like you did last night, go down to the dungeon and see how it goes.”
“That sounds like a fantastic idea, sexy man.”
I smiled at him and realized not for the first time in our long and storied history, Joe has a little chaos gremlin in his head too.
What is chaos to the chump is serenity to the gremlin.
“You’re always sayin that it’s all going better. Well I’ve seen you, and it needs to. God I hope it’s all going better for you. And you’re saying that it tastes so much sweeter. Well I’ve been there, and it’s bitter. God I wish that I could feel sorry for you.” – The Littlest Man Band
Over the weeks of knowing Private Pyle two things had happened. He’d earned his nickname & I had realized he was up to some bullshit. The chaos gremlin that controls (at least) half of my brain can’t help giving people enough rope to hang themselves & seeing what they do it with. Usually they string themselves up faster than a desperate man trying to fuck an especially saucy looking marinet. I love to see what plays out & you guys can’t deny it usually makes for some interesting stories.
But sometimes (often) I chaos gremlin a little bit too close to the sun & my tiny gremlin ass gets burned.
We quickly went from fucking at the club to him sneaking me into his (mom’s) house to me having to meet his whole family as a consequence. I swear to god this little shit was in his mid-twenties, but was also mid-divorce & given all the information he’d given me in the weeks of knowing him, consciously or not, kind of a hapless idiot.
Fine enough for a fuck friend, but again, it was clear he had some other motives besides fucking me by just his insistence on wanting to invite his (soon-to-be ex) wife to the club again. They’d been before, but it wasn’t really her bag, but he was certain he could show her the light if she just came with him as friends. They’d always made better friends than lovers according to him.
Another balmy night at the club, sitting out back basking in the clouds of smoke & fruit flavored mist and moonlight. At this point, I’ll be honest I’d grown pretty bored (and annoyed) by Private Pyle and his antics. I’d started to ignore his messages (what few and feeble he’d send) but on this particular evening, he’d managed to get his (probably-by-now ex) wife to join us for a night of good ole fashioned American debauchery behind the sacred walls of Club G and the chaos gremlin in brain started to scratch at the inside of skull again.
I sat in my usual spot & watched Joe doing the same thing he’d be doing weeks earlier: playing on his 3DS. In strolled Private Pyle looking mighty proud to introduce the woman who lived rent free inside of his mind. I smiled, introduced myself & noticed immediately Pyle was about to act up.
She sat down across from us on the steps into the dance floor as we made small talk & Pyle did his best to paw on me in ways he’d never bothered to before, including but not limited to grinding his semi-hard dick on my back.
I looked at his ex-whatever-the-fuck to see what her reaction to all this was & instantly weeks of wondering if it really was some high school level bullshit was confirmed. This asshole was trying to use me as a pawn to hurt another woman who to my knowledge (and his own words) hadn’t done a damn thing wrong except not want to be with him. After I shrugged off his hands & dick, clearly not getting the message, he grabbed my face & tried to shove his fat tongue down my throat to the second hand embarrassment of his obsessive ex-love interest & first hand embarrassment of me. I shoved him off & told him he needed to stop. At the very least for the night, if not indefinitely. If he touched me again, whatever he touched me with was being returned to him in some form of pain.
“I’m living the dream, it’s just one of those dreams where you’re losing all your teeth. If you think that it gets better… darling, take a look at me.” – Wilbur Soot
About 6 months into our new tradition of going to Club G every Saturday (a.k.a. The Slut Sabbath) I found myself sitting outside with Joe, watching the usual mix of new people and regulars mill around in various degrees of undress. A beautiful starry night with a light breeze & amazing vibes running wild throughout the club.
Most Saturday nights at this point, Joe while willing to talk to whoever might walk up to the little patch we’d staked out in the back patio, still spent the majority of his time playing games on his 3DS while I sat & waited for my next plaything to get caught in my web of smoke & cherry scented perfume. Neither one of us were very good at being social quite yet, but it seems to come easier to me in situations where clothing is optional & alcohol is not only encouraged, but freely available if you’re lucky.
I gazed around at the clumps of people that had accumulated in the short time we’d been sitting down. I instantly spotted a chubby, cherub faced dude with a Justin Bieber haircut standing off to the side of everyone, trying his damnedest to look cool. I gave him a quick look then dove back into the glow of phone, scrolling mindlessly through club Facebook posts trying to discern with as little effort as possible who was available for the night.
“What’re you playing?”
I looked up & was greeted with the very same face I’d caught a few minutes earlier putting on his best Derek Zoolander impression. He was peering over Joe’s shoulder, trying to figure out what game he was playing.
“What the fuck is that hair cut?” I blurted out before my brain could think better of it.
“What?”
“How old are you?” I quipped. He had to be at least 21 to be inside the walls of our humble little club, but he had a baby face from hell.
“How old do you think I am?” he shot back with a surprised smile on his face.
“Too fuckin’ old to be taking style tips from Justin Bieber.”
And that’s how I was introduced to Private Pyle.
I’ve never been one for bullying as a form of flirtation, but some people just bring it out in me I guess. And Private Pyle was that type of mother fucker. Hindsight being 20/20, it makes sense. The lizard parts of brain picked up on his bullshittery long before my conscious mind noticed anything.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, a big dick & a pleasant disposition can make up for a lot, but the second either of those things falter the red flags become glaringly obvious and you end up with a situation like me & PP ended up venturing into.
“Let the good times roll. Let them knock you around.” – Powerman 5000
Joe (the ultimate workaholic) managed to get out of work early the Friday the takeover started, I was honestly surprised he was so excited. We had haphazardly packed the biggest bag we had & filled our giant cooler the night before with everything we thought we’d need to have a good time: lube, condoms, costumes, booze, etc. When I think about it now, we had no idea what we were in for.
We showed up to the hotel around 3 or 4, found a place to park. The ocean of cars that we were told would show up hadn’t arrived yet – working within the shitty structure that is capitalism is the ultimate cock block sometimes & a lot of people were just getting off work.
We popped out of the car, grabbed out shit & started the process of unloading everything to the room. With Joe dragging the cooler & me struggling to hoist around our overnight bag which was bursting at the seams we wandered through the hallways knowing roughly where our friend Han had said the room was.
After a quick elevator ride to the second floor, the doors opened to a wall of humidity. Ahhh, the pool. I had totally forgotten half the fun to be had in this place: a whole goddamn indoor pool the size of a small house!
We pushed through the wall of wet-hot that surrounded the pool & toted our shit through the hallways as we watched people set up their rooms. As much as I tried to hide it I’m sure my anxiety and excitement were plastered across my face as I walked by.
A dip down another back hallway, a couple more twists and turns with plenty to ogle as we wandered (a wall of dicks, naked people already prancing through the hallways, the usual as I would come to learn) & there we were, finally standing in front of the right room. We knocked & a sweaty Han opened the door looking less chill than I had ever seen him in the short time we’d been friends.
I looked around & used context clues to figure out what fuckery had occurred. Before I could even ask what was up, Leia & Han both chimed in to let us know the air conditioner had shit the bed & was being replaced. We set our shit down, I pulled out what I needed for the night’s festivities, made a drink, plopped down on our designated bed to watch Leia make up her face for the evening as Han dipped in and out to check on the status of everything while the maintenance folks did their best to sort out our room’s climate.
Once we got our shit settled and with nothing more we could do to help remedy the AC situation, Joe & I decided to explore before the evenings festivities started. When we’d walked in, we noticed the potluck table had already started to fill up so of course that was our first visit.
There’s something else amazing about this club I’ve neglected to mention: we’re lucky enough to have some really fantastic cooks who frequent it. And while the spread was clearly just starting to be laid out and piled up, there were so many delicious options to choose from.
We made our plates & sat down by the pool area to people watch. I was amazed to see that the non-kink-related restaurant attached to this place had ZERO window coverings. I shoveled food in my face & I quietly wondered if anyone in there wasn’t in on the joke. I doubted it, but how funny would it be to go out to dinner with your nana & pop-pop only to see Mr. Bubbles & his fat horse cock confidently stroll by on the other side of some glass as you order your appetizers.
After we ate we decided it was probably a good idea to know exactly where the courtyard was since we both smoke like chimneys. We found a spot & sat down. I lit up my cigarette & looked around. Just like the club, there was always, ALWAYS entertainment to be seen if you bothered to look.
Before long I noticed what looked like off-brand Spock stumbling around & made the mistake of making eye contact. “Fuck it,” I thought “the night is young and may he’s not THAT fucked up. The courtyard is sorta lumpy…give him the benefit of the doubt.“
I don’t think I’ll ever learn to stop doing that. It’s just in my nature to assume the best of people until they show me otherwise.
“Raise your hand if you like American bitches, locked in girl on girl kisses. Well, I do.” – Bloodhound Gang
I sat next to the lanky, leather-coat-in-80-degree-heat clad human who had just introduced himself. Immediately and without my say-so my brain nicknamed him Chains. We made idle chit-chat until he got the gall up to ask in a shy voice if I was interested in playing.
Of course I was! He had gone a whole 15-20 minutes without saying something absolutely heinous and was pretty cute so obviously I wanted to see how he looked naked and inside of me.
We quickly took off to one of the play rooms and I’ll be honest, considering that as I write this now, this happened a year ago, the details are fogging. I probably bit the fuck out of him as I do with anything I like (or don’t) and he probably didn’t cum. The weirdest thing happens with a lot of people once we get back to the play rooms. Between the jumping lights, any variety of random song raging over the speakers & the sounds of other people fucking the night away, a lot of people get a bit nervous. Curse of the club I’ve heard it called.
What I do remember is that Mr. Chains fucked well enough to warrant a story & a repeat fucking if I got the chance.
Sure enough a couple weeks later I did & it did not go well for Chain. Or maybe it did consider he did get to be a fly on the way.
The theme that night had something to do with dressing up in Cosplay. There were any number of slutty superheroes & various other costumed perverts floating around the club & I spotted Chains as soon as I set my things down at our table & headed outside.
He quickly made his way over to me dressed as The Joker ala The Dark Knight and sat down, just like he had the time before and it became clear he was gonna ask me to play again. I had already sorta thought out how I’d like to go about things after testing out the play rooms and the dungeon was my next stop. I hadn’t really bothered to explore it the first real night we were there so I knew if Mr. Chains asked me to play, I was going to take the chance to drag him down there.
Sure enough, after both of us getting a few drinks into our systems he popped the question & I said sure. We headed inside and as luck would have it, all the playrooms were busy so it wasn’t even a question of where we were headed. I skipped down the stairs with him not far behind & spotted an empty queen sized bed in the corner the instant we walked into the room. Bathed in red light, I watched as bodies writhed, mounds of flesh moaning and merging with each other & smiled to myself.
