Kiss Me, I’m Shitfaced // 1:29 – 1:57

“Girls just can’t keep up, I’m a real love machine. I’ve had far better sex while in jail. I’ve designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour. I cook the world’s best duck flambé. I’ll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me. I don’t need these lines to get laid.” – Dropkick Murphys

One of my favorite authors once said “to be a good writer, you have to read a lot & you have to write a lot”. My dude was not wrong. And in the last year or so as my life became a series of insane and inane events, I’ve become a terrible writer when it comes to the top two things you’re supposed to do to even be considered one. But when your weekly activities can range from playing voyeur at a porn shoot to a bingo game serenaded by the muffled moans of hot tub shenanigans taking place directly outside on the patio, I guess it’s sorta understandable to slack on writing about it for awhile.

In the last 12 months, once again, my life has completely changed shape. We went from quietly discussing perv plans amongst ourselves to being welcomed into a giant community of like-minded people from damn near every walk of life. Life may be a shit show sometimes, but it’s never boring.

If you’ve read anything before this entry then you know I don’t shy away from talking about the bad side of crossing the cultural lines & making your life whatever the fuck you want it to be. This is the human race we’re dealing with, there’s always downsides. I’d hate to write about all this stuff in a way that would make you guys think otherwise. You guys deserve better than that.

One of those downsides can be desensitization. When your usual Saturday consists of a couple threesomes, a strange pussy in your mouth & a grateful, happy spouse cheering you on and a blur of substances, some of questionable legality, you can have a tendency to take it all for granted. Human beings can get used to anything, whether they want to or not.

I found out on this particular weekend that boredom often breeds its own fun when it can’t find anyone elses to dive into.

With my ass parked in the same spot it’s been in the months since the cold weather of the midwest pushed me from the smoking area I’d accidentally come to dominate over the summer, I scanned the room while talking to my friend Han about how his week had been.

“There’s a ton of new people here tonight, you should go introduce yourself to some of them! Come on, ambassador.”

I snapped my head back to Han and cocked an eyebrow at the new title he’d given me.

“I’d rather be the mascot. Ambassador seems like it would hold a lot of responsibility.”

He pointed out a couple awkwardly sitting at the table directly next to us & my eyes drifted behind them to the big, Chewbacca lookin’ guy pushed up as tightly as he could manage to a wall in between The Island of Misfit Perverts & the bar. I’m a sucker for someone who is clearly out of their depth and needs a friendly face. They usually have the best stories in them, one way or another.

“Fine.” I thought to myself as the first two beers I’d just inhaled hit my system. “If I’m an ambassador, I’m gonna be the bitchin’-est ambassador that ever ambassed, mother fucker.”

I looked back over to Chewie, we locked eyes & I gave him my best “I swear I don’t bite” smile. He gave me the world’s weakest wave and made his way over to our table. I asked if he was new & he nodded his head.

“Well, take a seat, my dude. Only way to get used to anything is to start doing it.”

We made small talk about any number of weird topics that came up at our table and I did my best to get him acclimated before I got bored and wandered off to see what other chances for chaos the club was bringing tonight.

I stumbled outside, to take a peek at my phone and have a smoke break away from the loud, bedlam-like atmosphere that the club tends to develope between the hours of 10 PM & 1 AM every Saturday. I saw a clump of friends & sat down to join their conversation like I usually do, only to spot another person, looking just as new & awkward as Chewie did. Tall & weirdly innocent looking. Like a lamb in a den of very drunk wolves waiting to be devoured. Like Lurch from The Addam’s Family if he was a redneck.

“Okay, Ambassador, it’s you’re time to shine.” I thought as I introduced myself. He stood there nervously as he told me his name & confirmed it was indeed his first (and likely only) night at the club.

Out of towners, my fuckin’ favorite.

More small talk floated around as I dipped between the conversation I’d struck up with ole Lurch & the group of friends. Trying my best to be nice (and honestly see what chaos I could create) I told him he was welcome to join our table if he wanted to & went back to chatting with my friends who were already sitting, sucking down smoke just as fast as I was.

I snubbed my cigarette and made my way back inside to see Chewie still sat at our table, making his best attempts to socialize like I’d suggested he do before I escaped to the patio. “Good.” I thought to myself as I made my way through the ever growing mass of bodies in between me & the table. “If he’s already making this much effort in the short time he’s been swallowed up by the environment, he’ll make a fantastic regular if he decides to stick it out.”

Soon after Lurch materialized at our table & I welcomed him to pull up a seat (or stand around…we’re limited on ass sitting room most of the night). He did & joined in on the conversation while the hour grew later.

As the conversation at the table took twists & turns down perverted paths, my silly slut of a self decided to bring up my most recent fuck friend. A short, but eager to fuck & please human being with a baseball bat between his legs.

Yes, I tell my slut stories IRL too. Are you really that surprised?

After demonstrating with my hands “big fish story” style what I had the pleasure of enjoying earlier in the week, I hear Lurch pipe up from my left and utter the words “My dick’s huge too!” with a sly smile spread across his face.

Before I even had a chance to react (and may the slutty powers that be forever bless him for antics like this) Han, who was sat between & Lurch, shouts back “Then whip it out. Come on, this is a sex club after all.” I could feel the chaos gremlin inside my mind rattle the bars and then let out a cackling howl as Lurch boldly unbuckled his pants and revealed a very scared looking button on a fur coat.

The reaction around the table was a collective cringe from the male population & stifled laughter hidden behind disbelief from the ladies.

Up to this point, I’d been going back and forth mentally on who to play with that night. It seemed like I had a fair chance with either Lurch or Chewie. But only one was making an ass of himself & likely to never return.

A gift from the universe for a bored feral slut.

Don’t get me wrong, Lurch wasn’t necessarily a bad person. He’d spent the night bragging about his family’s trips to some far away land rich fucks took over as a vacation spot & lamenting about his personal woes. But the level of cocky he’d been giving off was enough to make a chaos gremlin want to take him for a spin & see if his mouth could keep up with his dick.

I let Joe in on my little plan for the evenings entertainment & then went to find Lurch.

In hopes that he was a grower, I got his attention & asked if he wanted to go into the dungeon for a bit of playtime. He eagerly nodded yes and I’m sure a smile akin to the Grinch hatching his dastardly plan spread across my face as I took his hand and led the way. I made sure Joe was following and we climbed down the stairs with two very different outcomes in mind.

Joe stood back as I surveyed the landscape & tried to figure out the best place to fuck. My friends Dad Joke George, Spinner & Eris were already all piled into a beautiful, loud clump of flesh. I smiled to myself as I spotted the spanking benches and started to drag Lurch towards them while telling him to grab a condom from the container on the shelf.

I got down on my knees to find his dick already out & staring up at me with a limp, anxious stance. I popped it into my warm mouth & started playing around with it, using my tongue to stroke from the root to the head as I bobbed back and forth. It got a bit bigger & I popped it out of my mouth to examine my handy work. After getting a decent look at it face-to-dick, I figured it’s current state was as good as we were gonna get. Might as well try to end the evening with a bang in every sense of the word.

I instructed him to slap on the condom as I crawled up on the spanking bench and leaned back, lifting up my robe to expose my pussy who was less than enthused by the chaos gremlin who was now in charge of steering the ship. He fumbled around with his cock as I tried to cheer him on and reassure him “it happens to the best of us” as he managed to find my slit & shove his half hard in.

He continued to hump me half-assedly for 2 or 3 minutes before I realized, besides my bored moans the room had gone dead silent. The gorgeous giggles & sounds of fucking we’d walked in on had stopped & been replaced with the awkward sounds of me trying to save this guy’s ego.

I laid back on the bench as I felt him pull out and start to go down, hoping his attempts to eat me out were better than his dick game when suddenly there was a dick on my forehead. I laughed & looked up to find DJG with his long dong flopped on top of me.

“You’re looking a bit bored there, Fonda. Wanna suck my dick? Might be a bit more fun.”

While I had been getting fumble-fucked, Joe had taken it upon himself to point out how quickly my moans had grown bored to our friend’s who were taking a break from their own shenanigans. Which had caused DJG to wander over to where Lurch & I were struggling to make something happen that resembled fucking and cause a little chaos of his own.

The death rattle of Lurch’s ego crashed through the room as I wiggled out from under him while trying not to laugh & started suck Spinner’s cum off DJG’s semi-hard dick. I realized my rudeness (a bit too late) & audibly popped the new cock of my mouth to turn & apologize to the old one cringing between my legs.

“I think we’re good here, babe. I’m good. Sorry about your luck.”

Before he could respond, my sexual ADHD kicked in as I hopped off the bench & found Spinner strapped into the sex swing directly across the room, legs splayed & pussy looking delightful. In fact, in that moment I realized it looked like it could use some warming up, so I politely asked if she was okay if I muff dove for a bit. By the time I came back up for air, only the people I actually liked were left in the room. Lurch must have slunk up the stairs & out the front door after he picked up all the pieces of his shattered cockiness.

The next morning I woke up & did the usual post-Slut Sabbath discussion Joe & I have every weekend.

“I invented a new game last night after I watched you with Lurch.”

“Oh?” I looked at him surprised by his enthusiasm for me letting men make fools of themselves for a private audience.

“Yeah. I call it The Bored Game. On slow nights when you want to fuck someone new, we take turns picking a person at random like you did last night, go down to the dungeon and see how it goes.”

“That sounds like a fantastic idea, sexy man.”

I smiled at him and realized not for the first time in our long and storied history, Joe has a little chaos gremlin in his head too.

What is chaos to the chump is serenity to the gremlin.