All Eyes On Me // 2:54 – 3:30

Categories: slut blog
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Hi! I’m Fonda, the creator of all the content you see on this fucked up little corner of the internet. The other person you’ll see mentioned regularly on this blog is J. We’re a couple of sluts. Or maybe I’m enough of a slut for both of us? We’ve been together for 18 years and legally bound apocalypse partners for almost 16.

I spent the better part of our relationship doing XXX webcam shows & making indie porn until recently. Now I just make dick jokes, take candid pics/vids on Snapchat & write about the slutty stuff we get up to.

Sometime in 2021 we collectively decided to outsource the responsibility for satisfying (most of) my insane sex drive to the general public & this is what my brain decided to with the onslaught of experiences we’ve had so far.

If it’s easier, consider my orifices a trio of investigative journalists & this site like a personal text & image based time capsule of the debauchery we encounter.

New updates go live every Monday, released in full publicly the following Monday. Not every entry is completely public to begin with (for free. hey, don’t judge me, capitalism is the problem here), but eventually most of the posts here will be available, to the public for free…eventually.

[TRACK NOT FOUND]

Categories: 4th wall break, mental vomit, not a slut story, slut musing

Sometimes I wonder if people have noticed the lack of new updates on here. I wonder if anyone who noticed is disappointed by it. Dismayed by how the site has hung here, still technically live, but sitting stale & untouched for months. Like an abandoned house, filled with horny ghosts.

Please don’t think I live with the belief that I have an audience of clamoring fans eagerly awaiting my next blog post, I have no delusions about how many (few?) people read my little stories. However I can’t deny it garners a small viewership of sorts. That handful of people are the ones I think of when I wonder if anyone wonders where the fuck the author of this offense to literature went.

This update is for those people.

Hi. First and foremost, I suck. I haven’t totally stepped out of the confines of writer’s/slut’s block yet, but I’m getting there and writing this pitiful apology/update post is a shaky step in the right direction.

The last year has been enlightening to say the least. I’ve been trying to think of how I wanted to pull you all along with me for the ride. The topics I’ve embedded myself into are tricky to write about well without stepping on anyone’s dick along the way. It always has been, but add the club element into everything & it’s like a whole new world opens up. One that has very different rules, regulations, customs & traditions from how the rest of society does things, sluts or not.

You want to be honest, but you have to do it carefully because of how easily people on the outside looking in can and will twist your words to make their own point stick better.

While taking all that into consideration I made the decision many journalists & diarists have before me: the stories are just too damn good to go untold. So I’m diving back into it as much as I can.

Don’t be surprised if some older entries get re-writes* or if another flood of new drafts start to appear. The goal right now is to write every day even if I don’t make it public/publish it. Something is better than nothing & I’ve learned often times (at least with how my brain works) the thing you sit down to write, isn’t what ends up being your focus. But as long as you’re writing then you’re doing what you’re supposed to: furiously scratching the fuck out of that itch every creative person gets when they know they NEED to create. I’ve found it’s a similar feeling to craving a drug. That deep set physical longing to write or draw or make music or art. A similar deep set longing I think everyone who’s ever worn the title “addict” or proclaimed to be newly in love can also describe. Whether that’s for good or not isn’t something I could tell you yet, but it’s definitely been more productive than drug or human I’ve felt the same about.

So here’s to 2023, lets fuck this bitch right on up.

*feel free to keep a running log, nothing with be omitted/changed that’s already in there – I just think a lot of the older entries need cleaned up

Good Times Roll // 0:18 – 0:51

Categories: Club Dionysus, never fucks, slut blog, Takeover Tales
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J (the ultimate workaholic) managed to get out of work early the Friday the takeover started, I was honestly surprised he was so excited. We had haphazardly packed the biggest bag we had & filled our giant cooler the night before with everything we thought we’d need to have a good time: lube, condoms, costumes, booze, etc. When I think about it now, we had no idea what we were in for.

We showed up to the hotel around 3 or 4, found a place to park. The ocean of cars that we were told would show up hadn’t arrived yet – working within the shitty structure that is capitalism is the ultimate cock block sometimes & a lot of people were just getting off work.

We popped out of the car, grabbed out shit & started the process of unloading everything to the room. With J dragging the cooler & me struggling to hoist around our overnight bag which was bursting at the seams we wandered through the hallways knowing roughly where our friend Han had said the room was.

After a quick elevator ride to the second floor, the doors opened to a wall of humidity. Ahhh, the pool. I had totally forgotten half the fun to be had in this place: a whole goddamn indoor pool the size of a small house! 

We pushed through the wall of wet-hot that surrounded the pool & toted our shit through the hallways as we watched people set up their rooms. As much as I tried to hide it I’m sure my anxiety and excitement were plastered across my face as I walked by.

A dip down another back hallway, a couple more twists and turns with plenty to ogle as we wandered (a wall of dicks, naked people already prancing through the hallways, the usual as I would come to learn) & there we were, finally standing in front of the right room. We knocked & a sweaty Han opened the door looking less chill than I had ever seen him in the short time we’d been friends.

I looked around & used context clues to figure out what fuckery had occurred. Before I could even ask what was up, Leia & Han both chimed in to let us know the air conditioner had shit the bed & was being replaced. We set our shit down, I pulled out what I needed for the night’s festivities, made a drink,  plopped down on our designated bed to watch Leia make up her face for the evening as Han dipped in and out to check on the status of everything while the maintenance folks did their best to sort out our room’s climate.

Once we got our shit settled and with nothing more we could do to help remedy the AC situation, J & I decided to explore before the evenings festivities started. When we’d walked in, we noticed the potluck table had already started to fill up so of course that was our first visit.

There’s something else amazing about this club I’ve neglected to mention: we’re lucky enough to have some really fantastic cooks who frequent it. And while the spread was clearly just starting to be laid out and piled up, there were so many delicious options to choose from.

We made our plates & sat down by the pool area to people watch. I was amazed to see that the non-kink-related restaurant attached to this place had ZERO window coverings. I shoveled food in my face & I quietly wondered if anyone in there wasn’t in on the joke. I doubted it, but how funny would it be to go out to dinner with your nana & pop-pop only to see Mr. Bubbles & his fat horse cock confidently stroll by on the other side of some glass as you order your appetizers.

After we ate we decided it was probably a good idea to know exactly where the courtyard was since we both smoke like chimneys. We found a spot & sat down. I lit up my cigarette & looked around. Just like the club, there was always, ALWAYS entertainment to be seen if you bothered to look.

Before long I noticed what looked like off-brand Spock stumbling around & made the mistake of making eye contact. “Fuck it,” I thought “the night is young and may he’s not THAT fucked up. The courtyard is sorta lumpy…give him the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t think I’ll ever learn to stop doing that. It’s just in my nature to assume the best of people until they show me otherwise.

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He sauntered over to me the best he could & the chaos goblin in me couldn’t fight the urge to strike up a conversation. Which turned out to be like talking to a creepy, slightly insulting wall.

 

I looked him over & decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. He asked to play & I said sure…if he could find me someone who wasn’t a total idiot & who was at least SLIGHTLY less inebriated. I told him to his face, despite his insistence he wasn’t, he was pretty drunk & I didn’t think his dick was gonna work so backup options were needed. My plan was to suck the dick of whoever he dragged back (if they weren’t AS terrible as he was) and let him jerk off to the affair, but otherwise ignore him. He all too gleefully agreed and ran off to complete his end of the slutty devil’s bargain.

 

With the first idiot of the weekend sent off on a wild dick chase, we finished up our smoke break & made our way back upstairs to get ready for the evening. While we’d be exploring, the A/C situation had been sorted. As everyone milled around, prepping for the evenings events, we talked about random club shit, the plans for the night, who was doing who and what and where. I found the mirror next to Leia & plopped down to do my beauty routine as she did her own, listening to her rave-sounding tunes & somehow got even more beautiful than she was before.  As I finished up stapling on a new face & slipped into my Greek Goddess of Bullshit costume it dawned on me: the vibe was immaculate. Even before we hit the hallways again, ready to fuck shit up, it was already setting up to be a great weekend.

 

One by one we left the room and scattered out into the hallways. And what a fuckin’ sight to see! I was immediately overwhelmed & stuck to J like we were back at our first night at the club. This was VERY similar to the club…if the club took steroids & got Scott Steiner levels of jacked.

 

We tried our best to navigate the clumps of people talking in the hallway, most decked out in their best Toga Night attire. We walked right passed a stunning Zeus & Hera that made my jaw drop just as we made our way back out to the courtyard to see Shitty Spock eagerly waiting for my return, a stupid grin plastered across his face.

Well fuck,” I thought “time to tell this guy to kick rocks.

It may not seem like it, but normally I try to be a very kind, sweet individual when I tell people to go away. Unless they carry themselves like this guy.

See, while we were in the room I’d mentioned my new Vulcan looking friend to Leia and received a pretty sincere warning: be careful & don’t let him do ANY penetration below the belt if I insisted on trying to fuck him at all. I had already been on the fence, leaning towards telling him flat out no, but Leia going to the trouble of cock blocking someone doesn’t happen without cause & I took it to heart.

As Shitty Spock plopped his ass down on the chair in front of me, still grinning from ear to ear & excitedly started to tell me about this friend of his who was more than willing to join. I interrupted him to tell him I was no longer interested. Between the warning from Leia & the fact this guy had preceded to get even MORE fucked up than he was before while we were upstairs getting ready were all more than enough waving red flags for me to feel pretty confident at making the choice to tell him I was no longer interested.

WHAT? WHY?!

You literally have no light behind your eyes, babe. You’re clearly so fucked up you probably wouldn’t even remember it if we DID fuck. You barely seemed coherent the first time I was out here. I’m not gonna fuck someone with a reputation of getting sloppy drunk at every club function and making poorly worded, desperate attempts to fuck anything that moves…” 

Before he could respond, J, who had been remarkably silent, but listening through out the entire interaction chimed in.

She’s not interested in fucking men who can’t understand basic consent & get blackout before 10pm. You can go away now, bud.

It took every fiber of my being not to burst out laughing. It felt like the entire patio of smokers had picked up on what was happening and were now listening intently. 

Once J got his attention, the words I’d been saying for the past few minutes suddenly sunk in. 

He clumsily apologized & slunk off into the night, swallowed up by the darkness of the courtyard and what I can only hope would be a helpful dose of shame.

 

Whorehoppin’ (Shit, Goddamn) // 0:20 – 0:33

Categories: Club Dionysus, slut blog
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After our first dive into the club side of all this, we felt a bit more confident and comfortable with what to expect our second time around. The week theme? Cinco De Mayo. Being a Mayonnaise American myself, I decided I’d just wear whatever sluttiness I could squeeze myself into. It ended up being a shiny, short black dress with a deep v-cut to really highlight my massive cleavage.

Neither J nor myself was at all aware of how to start the night, I took my pre-mixed drinks (yay for BYOB) & found us a spot on the giant couch by the entryway to people watch. No one really took notice of us until a beautiful, dark haired woman we’ll refer to as Darth eventually found us. I didn’t know it at the time (even though I’m sure she told me as much), but she’s the unofficial (and at times unwilling) club social butterfly. She floats through the club looking both intimidating & inviting, like if one of those chatty flowers from Alice in Wonderland if it could kill you with a dusting of it’s petals. She made her introductions, welcomed us to the club & flittered away leaving my misanthropic ass a bit stunned and impressed.

I sucked down the last of my drink & ran out to the car to grab another. Put me naked in front of a crowd of paying people & I’m good. I turn on like a money activated doll. But I was quickly realizing this was a very different situation than what I was used to from being a SWer for a decade and change. I was nervous as hell and stunned when I realized: I actually wanted these people to like me. I, Fonda fuckin’ Dix actually wanted to make a good impression & show respect just based on what we’d seen so far. I wanted to be absorbed into this amazing group of people. This was the first demonstration of community I’d seen as an adult, albeit a very naked one and I was hooked.

After a bit of floating around inside with the pretty lights & pumping music, trying to find a place to chill as we people watched, we ended up on the patio for a smoke. A little awkward fumbling & squeezing past the crowd later & we found a picnic table. It was so beautiful outside & it seemed like most of the club goers were out here anyway, so we decided to make camp for the evening while we both scooped out the scene.

It was an amazing variety of people, some of who stood out a lot better than others – by design I’m sure. There’s Banana Hammock, the uber tan gentleman who seemed to own a thong for every possibly theme the club could throw his way. Han, Darth’s dude, who was just as social and eye catching as his lady. The amount of variety from shapes to aesthetic this place had was like going to the Baskin Robin’s of flesh. By this point in the evening, I knew that I wanted to keep throwing what money we could at this place as long as they kept letting me in the doors.

While sitting there dazed by all the activity & naked bodies strutting around, I notice a shy, skinny figure staring at me so I stared back & smiled. Over walks a lanky, awkward-but-adorable looking human rocking a leather jacket, simple shirt & gold chains. He sat down & the first thing my brain could spit out at me was “how the fuck can he be comfortable in that thing? It’s like 75 degrees out still.” The second thing was “I’m probably gonna fuck this guy, aren’t I?

Fanfare / Don’t Dream It // 1:06 – 1:40

Categories: Club Dionysus, rough draft, slut blog
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After grabbing what we needed to from the store, we finally made our way back into the club & it was even more beautifully chaotic than when we left. The crowd of people had swelled in number and for probably the first time in my adult life, I wasn’t really bothered by it.

We walked in & grabbed a seat at a table near the bar. I slipped off my coat, happy as hell to be in a place where nudity was not only allowed, but encouraged & cracked open my second drink.

Here’s where it gets a little boring: I suck at socializing. No, really. I am TERRIBLE at it until I get about three drinks deep then I want to be everyone’s best friend. And I don’t know if it’s because we were obviously new people or if my outfit was working overtime, but that didn’t seem to matter. If we didn’t go to the people, they were happy to come to us.

A group of guys swung by our table after I accidentally made eye contact with their equally socially anxious leader. We introduced ourselves & talked for a bit as Mr. Socially Awkward explained his girlfriend had given him the task of making new Facebook friends because he sucks at that type of thing. I finished my drink & asked to add him while he tried not to stare at my tits. Afterwards, the group flitted away & feeling a bit bolder than I had 10 minutes earlier, decided to drag J outside for a smoke.

We walked out on the patio & were greeted with portable heaters (did I mention it was 35F outside?) & a group of lovely people enjoying the hot tub as the smokers stood around, hugging as closely to the available sources of warmth as possible without burning ourselves.

I tend to do this thing when I’m in new situations. It’s an automatic response at this point in my life and has honestly come in handy more than once. I people watch. If you just let people talk without saying a word, you find out whether or not you’re somewhere you want to be pretty quickly.

J & I quietly found a place to stand & listened to people trauma dump about their horrible weeks at work while I caught glances at the group in the hot tub giggling and teasing each other. I was pulled into the conversation almost instantly & was happily chatting away before my cigarette was even half way to the filter. An extremely polite (and tipsy) older gentleman asked very politely to touch my ass, which I happily obliged. If there’s consent exchanged, groping can be fuckin’ amazing!

I realized shortly after that, I was smitten by this place. I wanted to be a member for as long as it was open. With renewed determination, I dragged J back inside to purchase ourselves a year membership before we headed out for the night.

As the night rolled on J (who was fresh from surgery that week, but stubborn as hell – would have insisted we go even if I’d objected) got more uncomfortable with his poor healing self & we decided to dip out unexpectedly early.

We met so many amazingly chill people who only added to the atmosphere that was already being created by being in what was essentially a massive adult playground. It was pretty clear to both of us we’d be coming back soon. Everything we’d both been looking for seemed to be available right under our noses this whole time.